miss cayce

oh, ophelia

They probably thought I was trying to kill myself. Eyes half opened, I watched lights flicker across the windshield. Ten minutes passed. They were still waiting. I groaned and brought my car seat up.

See? I'm not dead or dying. Just plenty pissed off.

The security van immediately sped off and turned around. I exchanged long, hard stares with the security guard. I should have known. This would be the prime time for students committing suicide in the parking lots. But I would never be one of them. I happen to think suicide is a cop-out. The true survivors are the ones who face down adversity and go on living. It's also selfish. I can't imagine inflicting my loved ones with such pain and guilt.

I had wanted a couple minutes of snooze in the car. It was cold in the car and anyway, listening to Sting soothes this savage beast, so I turned the engine on and let the car idle for a while. And tried to go to sleep.

There have been a couple of suicides in the parking lot in the last year. I know of one. She was a pre-med, popular (which is odd to say because it's so high-schoolish and popularity doesn't mean a thing in university but, indeed, she was popular) and stunningly beautiful. One day, she got into her car and gassed herself to death. Apparently, her boyfriend had recently dumped her and this was her way of getting him back. She had written a letter before she died and blamed it all on her ex. It was read on her funeral and he was present. Talk about needing therapy for the rest of your life. How would you like to be blamed for someone's death?

I just think that's dumb. I mean, killing yourself because your ex dumped you. But, I've never had my heart broken so who am I to say. However, I could see myself killing the person who broke my heart but not killing myself. But that's just me. I've got violent tendencies.

I think Kris is a little scared now. [edited: lol, it's so bizarre to read this over five years later - btw, Kris and I broke up a year later after I wrote this and no, I didn't kill him. hah. JUNE 2005]

I sometimes wonder about society's preoccupation with suicide. I mean, it's possible to be very depressed and yet, never have entertained the thought of suicide, isn't it? I've been really depressed last couple of semesters ago because my life wasn't going well. I went to the Counselling Office at school to talk to someone and I came out feeling even worse.

I had a bitch of a counsellor who was preoccupied with me admitting that I wanted to kill myself. It was awful. I told her that I would never kill myself and she immediately shot back with, "I don't believe you!"

What was I thinking. Of course, a total stranger would know my most intimate thoughts. You quack!

With the state I was in and the way she was acting towards me, I burst into tears and tried to leave. Thrice, the wacko quack bitch blocked me from leaving. And continued to harass me with pseudo-psychological babble. I later wrote a letter of complaint. I hope that goes on her permanent file!! Counsellors are so completely useless, I've found. They're so preoccupied on what happened in your childhood. I thought that's what shrinks are for. I looked up her credentials and she only has a masters in psychology. Quack.

The people at the International Student Office are so much better to talk to. They listen to your problems and point out practical solutions to you. There's this woman who works there and she's wonderful. Mostly because she's got so much common sense and cuts through the bull.

Today was a complete waste. I didn't get much studying done because I developed a headache. I found myself reading a passage over and over again without comprehending. I've also developed a muscle cramp in my neck. It hurts whenever I try to study. So little was done today. I'm so frustrated with myself. I've still got lots to do and I'm way-off my schedule.

I still have three finals to go. Sigh. Please wish me luck.

posted by Cayce @ 8:19 PM