Sunday, December 12, 1999

too afraid to sleep.

I’ve been up since 4 am and the last four hours of sleep I’ve just had weren’t fitful. I kept waking up in little starts. I knew I shouldn’t have watched 2 Outer Limits episodes and 1 X-Files episode back-to-back before I went to sleep. The first two episodes weren’t scary per se but were alien-conspiracy driven. Plus, the last episode was situated in a mental hospital. The X-Files episode was a little scarier in comparison, but that’s because they had a graphic scene of a devil. However the actor playing the devil was also the same guy who plays the King of Thieves in Xena and Hercules (yes, I watch them and they happen to be two of the finest shows on tv, and yes, I’m over 20). So the spook factor was very, very low on scale.

It’s just the concepts that I’m afraid of. Unfortunately, I happen to be very susceptible and my dreams are usually so vivid and real, sometimes really scary. I was tired and sleepy after watching tv yet I didn’t want to go to sleep and have those shows as the last thing on my mind. But I did anyway. Since I was very alert to the fact that I was going to have bad nightmares, I didn’t sleep well. Kept waking up and staring at the damn opened closet that I can never close.

Damn, it’s like the worst possible combinations ever. You tell me if it could be any worse. I’m talking about growing up in a country where the belief of supernatural is very strong and being raised Catholic. And how about being afraid of life-looking dolls and your darn mother insists on a baby Jesus statue, the one with eyes that could open and close(why!!?) to be placed in a prominent position in your apartment? I feel it’s blasphemy to be afraid of it (is it right to call it, ‘it’?) and I’m too afraid to put it away or to even look it at night. You know how Catholics talk about a sign from God working through such statues? I pray it doesn’t happen to mine.

All my life, I’ve listened to stories about the supernatural told like it really happened. I can say this now because I’m living in Canada. I think it has to do more with the people. Whenever I come home from Canada, I would feel a lot more afraid of the unknown because you could feel the fear in the air.

And when your family gives you a long list of what not to do for fear of provoking the unknown, it can be pretty hairy. For example, my mom gets really upset if I whistle at night (which I hardly ever do and if I did, it would be twilight anyways). She’s worried that by whistling, you could inadvertently summon ‘something’. And don’t ask me how many times I’ve been told to not pee in the jungle.

I wish that I didn’t have this fear considering that there are so many realistic fears in this world.


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