Monday, August 23, 2004

What was once was

Ok, first I’d get into the good news:

a) I got my two-week holiday approved! Actually, all I did was just to ask for it. My boss asked how much leave I had left and I had replied rather confusedly, “we count leave?” because ha haa, the office hasn’t really been doing that. One of the perks of working in a tiny office. And anyway, I’ve been spending most of my year in the field so I’m pretty sure that I’m entitled to a two-week holiday!

b) I have part of my airline ticket for my holiday booked! It’s Kuching-KL during the latter part of October. All I have to do is to book another ticket to KL-wherever because I’m not planning to spend my holiday in KL. I need space… from Malaysia!

And as luck would have it, you were spared from yet another angsty entry because I just had a good talk with a great friend. Well, maybe not as angsty as it was originally planned because I do want to get this emotional bugbear off my chest.

I was just thinking about how complication (in our lives) is a choice. Ok, maybe sometimes, we don’t choose to have certain things happen to us but it is up to us on how to deal with the situation that is given to us (ok, experiencing feelings of plagiarizing a certain LOTR wizard). But heck, Gandalf’s right.

Tonight, I’ve made the decision to see less of someone who’s greatly contributing to my feelings of confusion and angst. It’s unintentional on their part (I think – well I don’t know – don’t want to think too much about it). It’s a really hard decision to make on my part because I really enjoy being with this person but at the same time, being with him makes things fuzzy, confusing, and with all the other crazy stuff going on in my life, I don’t think I can handle anymore confusing stuff.

I’m trying to make significant life-changing decisions these days and having this person in the equation, is throwing me off by a mile. I can’t add anymore ‘what-if’s’ into the equation. I want to be as emotionally free from the decision I make, as I possibly could.

I’ve always been a “follow-your-heart” kind of person and I think I’m starting to realize that the follow-your-heart path often leads to the heart-got-stomped-bet-you-didn’t-see-that-coming-ha-haaa quagmire.

I hate the haze. It’s giving me headaches. Trying to remember what blue skies look like.. Sigh..

what was once was --Batang Ai

[addendum: Boys are Dumb! and Throw Rocks at Boys! -- thanks sativa!]


At 12:46 AM, Blogger sativa said...

I miss blue skies!!

Well, you have to know what are your priorities are in life. Follow-your-heart don't work in all situations. Sometimes you need to add use-your-head as well. It's a balance of everything.

At 12:49 AM, Blogger Cayce said...

yalah, and i think the kepala of mine needs a workout right now.

At 9:12 AM, Blogger Dee M said...

i miss the blue skies too.been having headaches everytime i wake up.sighss~~have fun during your holiday ;)

At 8:15 PM, Blogger Cayce said...

thanks, dee!

At 8:39 PM, Blogger mac said...

Do Not Trust The Heart.

The Heart brings nothing but pain & trouble. I have first hand experience and the emotional/mental scars to prove it. That and a whole bunch of Mac-makes-a-fool-of-himself-in-public stories.

That said, you shouldn't ignore it completely. The heart's got some good ideas. Just takes a bit of mind to control it's impulsiveness.

Did that make any sense at all ?

At 9:14 PM, Blogger Cayce said...

If it's any consolation, there are plenty of Cayce-makes-fool-of-herself-in-public stories too. But not of the affairs of the heart variety... that I know of!


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