Monday, October 25, 2004

Lovina: change of heart

Obviously, I'm not in Lombok - that is, to say, if you knew your Bali geography. Lovina is on the north coast of Bali, where the beach is covered with 'black sand'. I've only been on the beach briefly (while checking out hotel rooms) but I ain't see no black sand here. Greyish, moulty sand more like it. But ah, I'm not being fair. I've only been in Lovina for about four hours.

We decided that perhaps it wasn't a good idea to do Lombok at this time because Richardo realize that I didn't really have a clear idea where I was going in the island and for some reason, that really annoyed him. I'm beginning to realize on this trip that I'm more annoying than I thought! All this time, I thought I was lovable, but no, not really. Up to this point, my habit of not finishing my sentences and trailing off, were tolerated by everyone but to him, it was a really big deal. And he's given me shit for that. He's quite.. different this guy.. I'm really having a change of heart with this one.

For one thing, I realize that I have been unfair to him in the beginning. I had judged him solely on appearance and that wasn't fair. He's turning out to be the most intriguing person that I've met. I mean, here's the deal - he's someone that's completely out of my comfort zone and in normal circumstances, I wouldn't hang out with. But my instincts told me that I could trust him although I couldn't figure out why. He's really brilliant and artistic - and I've gained so much respect for him as a person. He can be really nice to me but sometimes, he treats me with indifference, which is confusing.

We were in Lake Batur for the weekend and had found a really nice room with an awesome lakeside view for only 50,000 Rp. Yeah, we did share a room but it was all very platonic because I'm a good girl and all (it's very annoying) and he was also a perfect gentleman. Although, there were times where he would make me so frustrated. He pushes my buttons so much but at the same time, I'm learning more about myself. Does it make any sense? It's so much more difficult to write down how I feel. It's not like he's the first person that has pushed my buttons but he is the FIRST who have pushed my buttons but I still retain much respect and like for him (usually I don't think much of people who get me all riled up). It's so difficult to explain! Until I realized last night that he was my Mr. Darcy!

But it's not a girlish crush I have on him. It's difficult to say - but it's not love, either! A Mr. Darcy could mean a different thing to someone else. I doubt that I'm his Elizabeth because he doesn't seem to be interested in me that way (to which, my ego goes - but whhhyyy???). Admittedly, I find myself attracted to him but he's not someone I usually go for, in terms of physical attraction. Learning to see past the looks, imagine that. I never thought I was that shallow.

This isn't much of travelogue, where I tell you what I've seen and did, is it? He's pretty much taken precedence of my overall experience of the trip. I'm ok with that, even if it means that I won't see him again (although I do hope that I will). I think the whole point of this trip for me was to realize some truths - although, I wasn't expecting to learn what I've learnt. There's more to be said but it's unsayable (is that a word?).

We will go our separate ways in a couple of days - perhaps tomorrow. He needs to leave for Java before the end of the week, and I.. well, there's still Kuta (sigh). I'm not sure whether I would be staying in Lovina long. It's quiet, sure but at some point, if he leaves, I'd like to head over to a bustling place where I won't miss his presence so much.

But I will always remember that cold night on Lake Batur, with him strumming his guitar on the balcony, and me quietly listening. The 'fights' we had were pretty memorable too. I hope that at least I've antagonized him as much as he did me!

The road trip from Penolokan to Singaraja was breath-taking but the winding roads down the steep mountain gave me motion sickness. No throwing up, luckily. Just a green face. Oh! We were in a crater rim for the weekend - beautiful place. I think I'm 'pura-ed' out though. Lots to write about Bali - perhaps when he leaves and I have no more distractions!!


At 8:29 PM, Blogger sativa said...

Well, it's interesting that this trip has let you to discover more about yourself than before. This is good actually. *hugs*

At 8:40 PM, Blogger Marita Paige said...

Discoveries of self such as these are best discovered by...oneself. You're understanding yourself more and more. That's good.

At 11:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've enjoyed reading about your experiences in Lombok. I should tell you, though, it seemed to me that you had a thing for this guy from the start. Given the amount of column inches and your apparent irritation with him, it's like you've got a whole Hepburn/Bogart in "The African Queen" going on. Just one man's opinion. Darren, of

At 11:00 AM, Blogger Daniel said...

I did warn you about the appeal of men with bad personal hygiene... :)

Well, if anything does happen on the last day/night, don't feel you're obliged to tell us about it...


At 11:34 AM, Blogger Froot said...

Dan: She can always feel free to describe her experience to us in a separate e-mail :-p

Cayce: I think if you went to Bali either one of us girls, the experience would have been totally different. Most likely you would have been in your comfort zone with us around.

All this time, I thought I was lovable, but no, not really. Up to this point, my habit of not finishing my sentences and trailing off, were tolerated by everyone but to him, it was a really big deal.As for that, our quirkiness or weaknesses can be tolerated by different people to different extents. It's something that we all need to learn sooner or later.


At 7:27 AM, Blogger andrea said...

dare i say this from texas? that wonderful challenging feeling was a vicissitude in the making. owning those inclinations, growth. the relationship which could ensue, beautiful...

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