Sunday, June 26, 2005

He just wasn't that into me

And so I was briefing my sister over my latest development over dessert at the ol’ neighbourhood ice cream shoppe, when she paused between bites of her ice cream sundae, and said, “he’s just not into you.”

“Eh?” The phrase sounded familiar – I recalled my friend sending me links of an Oprah episode that featured writers from the Sex and the City show, who wrote the so-titled book. Of course, then, I was in happy la la land, and was glad that all the listed clues didn’t apply to the guy I was then seeing.

Wished she had sent the links about a week ago.

As cliché as it sounds, that phrase made all the sense to me and I stopped feeling quite angsty. Too bad I didn't tell my sister sooner about what was going on because she’s a lot more brutal and less inclined to not hurt my feelings. She’s also very cynical about men and relationships but you know, I think most of the time, her assessments are often on the money.

I was very hurt when he said, “let’s just be friends” because after all that effort he made in the past, he wasn’t as willing to see where this would go. But you know, as hurtful as his actions were (not about telling me the truth, but rather avoiding me for an entire week), it’s a lot better to have this occur now than later in the long term, where I would have invested more feelings.

So what have I learnt from this?

It’s not worth the angst when he gives you the brush-off. He’s just not into you. And we all deserve a significant other who’s truly into us and would make the effort to let us know. Why waste energy angsting over a guy when there’s someone out there who’s great for me? And I totally know that I’m a hottie, amazing, interesting, smart and all the other good stuff. I hated that self-doubting (yet brief) period I went through; it was very annoying.

Another useful phrase I was told, was “men are stupid!”. Now don’t get your knickers tied up in a knot – for me, it means that communication between genders are often lacking. I’m not going to judge my past relationships as “failures”, but rather learning experiences. I think with each guy that comes along, I’ve worked out how to approach issues, etc. so that I am more equipped to handle the next relationship. That’s what I think so lah.

Maybe if all the men in my life got together and held a conference (it would be very small), the outcome might be, “and she did this to you TOO??” But I won’t dwell on that – hahha..

I could be on Oprah, I really really could.


At 4:56 AM, Blogger Dermot said...

That notion of your ex's all meeting up and dicussing you is very funny, though I'm not sure if I'd like it for mine, in fact that sounds very scary indeed....

At 8:57 AM, Blogger Cayce said...

well it's a really good thing that mine live on separate countries, continents even ;)

At 10:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

what to check this phenomenon out from a guy's point of view?

At first I was like your guy, really attentive to this girl.

But she wasn't really into me.

By the time she decided, like you, to try to give it a shot because I had many good qualities, I had already tired of doing so much work, and knowing that the girl wasn't really into me to begin with.

Secretly, I kind of felt like I wasn't what she was looking for in the beginning. I was doing everything a girl would want: the shopping, the attention, the foot massages, etc. But I wasn't that much taller, I wasn't that much richer yet, I wasn't that much hunk-looking. It wsa a little hurtful that she wasn't into me, and she is now just "settling".

Now, I'm looking for a girl that we hit off right in the beginning, no time wasted.

We remain friends. Although I think she is sometimes wistful and misses the attention I gave her.

At 10:58 AM, Blogger Cayce said...

Hey anonymous, thanks for your view-point. Much appreciated.

It's sad that yours turned out this way but I have to say that your situation wasn't the same as mine.

We were both doing 'equal work' but I guess he realized that it wasn't worth the effort to keep the flame burning. The eye-opener for me was when he wasn't keen on grasping a valuable opportunity to spend more time with me alone, especially when I had taken time off at work.

To be honest, I think it would have worked out well if we were both interested but perhaps at this point of time, we're better off as friends.

About "hitting it off in the beginning", I think the best and long-lasting relationships are the ones where a good solid foundation of friendship is built on. I don't believe in 'love or attraction at first sight' (i do believe that attraction can grow when you get to know the person well enough, and that's the kind that would last through age) So you never know with your friend, but it's best not to place your hopes into this so much.

At 11:09 AM, Blogger Eduardo said...

I am glad you see to have worked through the self-deprecating part. It was painful to read. I am a voyeur, not a sadist-by-proxy.

There is an expression, "Men are Dogs" and collectively we are. (Men *are* also stupid, by and large . Don't believe anyone who tries to tell you differently. I are one. I know about us and I'm not selling anything.)

My dog will chase anything across the yard. It doesn't matter if he is hungry or not. Something within him wells up when a squirrel invades his zone. He becomes wild for the chase.

Problem is that he really has no idea what to do the damn thing when he has it. The other day, the squirrel froze instead of running. The dog just sorta skidded to a halt and then danced around in a circle and when the squirrel didn't move, he sorta slinked off.

He likes the chase. It excites him. I like the chase. It excites me. Thats not an excuse for male behavior, perhaps its an explanation.

Look, I don't know you and won't pretend I do, but you are lovely and you have a remarkable talent for expressing yourself. If that is all you were, and no one is a mere two dimensions of personality, that deserves better than a partial investment of someone else's time or effort.

You're awesome, Keep on! I love to see the triumph of human spirit over adversity, even that which is emotional and inflicted on the psyche.

At 3:03 PM, Blogger Cayce said...

Thanks Eduardo :)

The more I think about it, the more I realized that we rushed into it. I'm just glad that it wasn't brought to a greater intimate level, which would have confused me a lot more.

He was honest about the thrill of the chase, which really hurt my feelings. But guys can be dogs sometimes, as you said.

It's a bit of a catch-22 situation, how do you react when someone's clearly interested? And that you might be interested as well?

I guess these things are hits and misses. In order to find out, you'd have to be honest with your feelings. And if he runs away, well bully for him, ain't gonna waste the pretty.

As for me, I admit - in terms of my romantic history, there is a pattern of jumping into relationships really quickly. Sometimes it works out (a 4 year relationship); sometimes it doesn't (barely two months).

They were always friends first, of course but I do feel that we had jumped into relationships/flings (sadly) a little too quickly.

Aside from taking things slow, I don't think I should compromise and angst so much whenever a guy keeps me hanging - it's just not worth it.

At 7:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I once liked a friend. We knew each other for almost 4 years. It was a complicated one, but enough said that after all the correct signals, he said I cant see you more than a friend. Ok. Point taken. Sad to say, I don't take him as a friend anymore.We talked once in a while, but like he wanted it was like a friend. To me, he is now been downgraded as an aquaintance. I dont hate him or anything-he is just nothing to me now. Kinda sad cos we were good friends before.
So I respect your choice to remain as friends with this guy.


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