miss cayce

No respite

It’s 4:30 in the morning and I’m too exhausted to go back to sleep.

It seems that I can’t get any respite from my dreams. Some people don’t remember their dreams – they go to sleep, and wake up refreshed. I, depending on what state of mind that I’m in, have vivid dreams about almost everything. Sometimes I have dreams about events that happen later in the future. May sound like fun but it’s not because they often suck and I’m left feeling uneasy for days. But sometimes, they don’t suck so much – before I see an orang utan in the wild, I almost always dream about it first on the night before.

Tonight I had several dreams of people trying to kill me. Not to worry, it’s not a premonition – I recognize the dreams of me feeling attacked in my waking hours. Yet, it was really scary, the dream attackers were using all sorts of instruments: knives, guns, etc.. I would try to hide and for a while, it seems that I have gotten away but they always somehow manage to find me in the last minute.

When I was younger, I had a lot of nightmares. I learnt to cope by somehow turning the nightmare into something less scary. For example, I would imagine that I’m holding a balloon and the balloon is carrying me away from my nightmare. Sometimes, it works and I’m floating away to safety. Sometimes, I’m not too convinced myself that my balloon is “real” and I’m left to the mercies of the monster.

This time around, there was this elaborate plot to murder me using some play (as in theater). The dream started and rewound itself so I had some inkling of what was going to happen. So I convinced the actors not to do the play, thus saving myself in the process. I was relieved for a while until one of the actors got up and said, “you know what, I’m just going to kill you anyway” and rush towards me with a gun, while the rest just looked on. It was really scary and there was no time to run so I ended up struggling with him. The funny thing about these dreams is that while the intent to murder me was there, it never actually happens and I end up fighting for myself. The dream ends with me struggling, and starts up with a new dream yet with the same purpose. Over and over again, until I wake up.

I don’t wish my dreams on anyone. I know most of my dreams reflect my current state of mind and in order to find any peace in my non-waking hours, I need to sort out what’s going right now. But sometimes, you can’t fix things. Sometimes, it’s not up to you. And you’re left having to cope with the remains of what was, your dashed hopes, your unhappiness in every hour of your day.

The good thing is that it always gets better somehow. Life’s like that. That’s what I remind myself, it may feel awful right now but there are always some bright spots to feel cheered about. Focus on that and things would be alright in the end. I just wish that my dreams were just as optimistic.

posted by Cayce @ 5:07 AM